If you are supporting someone who is grieving…

Do your best to offer comfort and assistance to the bereaved, but keep in mind to maintain a respectful distance so as to allow space for them to process their emotions. While we may have good intentions at heart, sometimes the bereaved may feel stifled by our attempts to offer them support. Be patient with them (and yourself as well!) and let the person know that you are available for them whenever they are ready. 

Keep in mind that you do not need to perform any grand gestures to show the bereaved that they are supported; Instead, give them room and time to deal with their emotions. In time, the person will be able to share their experience with you when they are ready. Below are some tips on how to support someone who is grieving:

Avoid trying to fix the situation or rescue the bereaved

A person who is grieving does not need to be rescued from his/her situation, but rather given time and space for them to work through their emotions. Often, we may attempt to make positive remarks, or even use humor, to try to lift the mood of the person. While this may be well-intentioned, it may come across as insensitive to the person grieving, as though their grief is not acknowledged. This may cause them to suppress or hide their emotions and skip the grieving process altogether, which can very likely turn out to be unhealthy for both their mind and body. 

Don’t nudge them to talk

Sometimes, we may feel obliged to cheer the person up and lift their spirits so much so that we try to nudge them to share their feelings and experiences. But forcing them to share about their experience prematurely may backfire and actually impede their healing process. He/she may feel suffocated by the need to speak and fail to process their emotions fully, which may result in strong feelings of sadness and regret to linger long after in the future. Again, give them space and time to process their emotions and go through the grieving process. They will be willing to share when they are ready.

Let them know that you are available 

We should let the bereaved know that we are readily available to support them, but again, offer them space to process their emotions and grieve. This lets the person know that we are always available for them to talk to but be patient if they are not ready to do so just yet. Gently remind them not to hesitate to come to you should they need a listening ear or help with any matters.  

Know when to seek help

Most people who experience grief typically learn to accept and adjust to their new reality after the loss of a loved one. While you are encouraged to take ample time to grieve for your loved one, you should seek professional help if you find that you are experiencing increasingly distressing thoughts that do not improve over time. For some, grief can be an intensely emotional experience that can sometimes translate into symptoms of depression, which can be harmful to one’s mental and physical well-being if left undiagnosed and untreated. If you or someone you know have been experiencing the following symptoms for an extended period of time, see a doctor or a counsellor:

  • Intense sadness, or feeling that your grief is making you unhealthy or sick
  • Changes in behaviour (like overeating or eating very little) and mood, becoming more angry and irritable
  • Difficulty accepting that whatever caused the grief occurred, or feeling that you have been grieving for much longer than you want to
  • Excessive focus on the episode of grief or avoidance of it altogether
  • Thoughts of “joining” the deceased
  • Worrying that you might hurt others
  • Unable to function at home, work or school, feeling hopeless and generally unable to cope with life for a period of > 2 weeks
  • Unable to get over an intense feeling of guilt and feeling sluggish (speech and bodily movements becoming slow and cumbersome)
  • Sensation of hearing or seeing thing

If you or someone you know have been experiencing the above-mentioned symptoms, see your doctor or a counsellor to get professional help immediately. Alternatively, speak to a trusted person and get him/her to accompany you to a visit. Remember that you do not have to do this alone. 

Should you or someone you know require professional help, visit https://www.imh.com.sg for a list of helplines. 

The grieving process is one of the most distressing experiences that many of us would have to endure. Ultimately, remember to be patient with yourself and give yourself ample time to grieve; This applies if you are supporting someone who is grieving as well. Remember, you do not have to go through this process alone. 

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